SURVIVOR: NICARAGUA (21.2 – Fatigue Makes Cowards of Us All)

Previously on….Survivor.

Team AARP decides not to use the MEDALLION OF POWER at the immunity challenge and is defeated by Team High School. Swim coach Holly breaks her alliance with goat herder Wendy at tribal council after Wendy goes off the rails to defend her weirdness. Wendy’s torch is snuffed out.

Shannon and Fabio in meeting of the mind

Fresh off their immunity loss and tribal council, Team AARP is dealing with the mood-swing craziness of guilt-ridden Holly. Evidently she has never seen Survivor and thought she’d be able to last 39 days with her integrity in tact (“I wasn’t prepared for the mental aspect!”). With age apparently doesn’t come wisdom as she sees Jill eating freshly caught snails (their only protein at this point) and grabs the pot and throws it away. What? “You’re all stupid!” she says. Yes, eating for your life is always stupid. Then, she overhears Mafioso Dan talking smack about her and she thinks it’s a good time to prank him by filling his $1600 alligator shoes (ok, let’s sidebar over here for a second; who on Earth brings $1600 shoes to a show like Survivor? What did he think was going to happen to them? Totally reminded me of Casanova bringing his equally priced D&G pants to Project Runway only to have them torn to shreds in the first challenge. If I’m ever on Survivor remind me to not bring my Salvatore Ferragamo shoes. Ok, and we’re back) with sand and dropping them in the ocean. Sleeping with the fishes, get it? Sadly, I doubt Holly was that clever in her thought process. But, as foolish as that is she outdoes herself by coming clean to Dan and the rest of her tribe of her actions. “You’re lucky you’re not a man,” snaps Dan.

Oh, and the shoe commotion doesn’t stop there. Team High School also has a pedial drama when NaOnka finds someone has stolen her socks. This does not settle well with her and the head-bobbing, America’s Next Top Model tantrum begins. She decides to steal Fabio’s knee-highs and when he barely confronts her (he doesn’t even get the accusation out) she finds a way to turn it around on him. Fabio isn’t the only one in NaOnka’s sights; she thinks Kelly B., with her artificial leg, is a “charity case” and she can’t wait to see that leg “fall off in a race.” Ironic then, of course, when NaOnka, the P.E. teacher, sits out on a physical challenge while Kelly B. rips through the course, leg in tact.  None of that matters though as Team AARP uses the MEDALLION OF POWER to get a leg up (sorry, Kelly B.) and win the challenge. They choose fishing gear over a tarp and head back to camp.

At daycare, Sash confides in NaOnka that he wants to create and all-ethnic alliance that includes “Asian sensation” Brenda to go to the end. A rather dubious goal, I think. I mean, can you imagine the idea of a Caucasian caucus having a secret all-white alliance? Screams of racism would abound. But I digress. Shannon forms a group to take out Brenda that includes his bromance Chase. Chase is all concerned and scared because on freakin’ day one he made alliances with both Shannon and Brenda. What’s beau hunk to do? Well, he immediately runs to Brenda and spills the beans. He’s whipped without her even having to lift a flirty finger.

Back over at the retirement community (in which nearly all of the women look like LLL – late in life lesbians), during their search of fishing items they all discover the same clue to the hidden immunity idol that Kelly B. and some other chick found last week. Jimmy T., feeling all butt-hurt about Jimmy J. taking the leader/coach/type-A role in the tribe offers a piece of the clue. Jill discovers the location and runs to Marty with it. Um, why? Since when did the immunity idol become a team effort? Russell Handz must be shaking his head right now.  Marty and Jill find the idol and Marty simply cannot contain his Gollum-like enthusiasm (“I found the idol! I found the idol!”).

I can barely contain myself to talk about tribal so let’s just do it. After last week’s heap of tribal crazy, I didn’t think we’d be topping that any time soon. Thankfully, I was wrong. Now, the only way to do this right is to just show the actual transcript in all its glory. So, without further ado:

Shannon: "I'm going to get this out of the way right now: Are you gay?"


Sash: "Pfft." [long, dramatic pause] "I'm sure I've had a lot more beautiful girlfriends than you have, buddy."


Shannon: "You probably haven't, my brother. But good luck. Yeah, trust me, you haven't."


Sash: "I'm 100 percent. I'd like to see you try to work your magic in New York."


Shannon: "New York's full of a bunch of a gay people."


Probst: "New York is full of gay people?"


Shannon: "They've got a lot them, Jeff. More than they do in Louisiana.

Ok, so here’s the thing. From the moment I saw Sash – with that name, the gay face, the gay voice – I thought the same thing. He reads as a beacon of shimmering fierceness even as he talks about chicks on his tribe he’d like to bone and brag about how many girlfriends he’s had and, during his vote confessional, names himself the “biggest bachelor in New York.” But in my defense I play the gay card, allowing me to talk a bit of gay smack. This, of course, doesn’t excuse Shannon’s clearly misguided and viciously bigoted comments, the guy’s a complete tool and actually managed to out-crazy Wendy’s tribal council undoing last week. His tirade backfires like crazy and only he, Alina and poor Fabio (which even Jeff calls him) vote for Brenda and he is sent home. I can’t believe it’s only week two and we have two of the best tribal council’s in the show’s 21 seasons. With NaOnka still there I’m pretty sure we haven’t even seen the best yet. 

SURVIVOR 21: NICARAGUA (21.1 - Young at Heart)

Oh Jeff Probst, how I have missed you, you little trickster. When we first see the teams they are randomly divided as they make a quick trek through the jungle (“There’s no fences like at the zoo!” says Jud) to their beach destination. Jeff warmly greets them, with that Emmy-eating grin, asking how they’ve gelled as teammates. Oh yes, yes, they say. This is my team!, they say. Then just like that Jeff shatters their world and reveals that anyone over 40 is on one side and the under 30s on another. Gasps are heard, some of horror, some of relief. 

Youngster Jud (dubbed Fabio, and an idiot, by his own tribe) is clearly the Erik from Samoa of this season. Kelly B. revealed she has a false leg (from a childhood birth defect) and almost immediately team confessionals break out the ‘I know how this sounds, but if she makes it to the end…sympathy vote. I want her gone.’ Ouch. Oh, and Super Bowl winning coach Jimmy Johnson is on board, to the chagrin of much of his own tribe, Team AARP. He goes out of his way to emphasize that no jury will award him a million dollars and that he just wants to help his team. That may be true, or it may be a genius ploy (as Jimmy T. points out) that if he plays well enough to get himself into the final, that will be respected enough to win. It’s certainly happened before to many a disliked player.

Can we talk about the MEDALLION OF POWER for a second? Now, it’s important that it’s in all caps like because one has to imagine that it’s being echoed from a lofty mountaintop during an episode of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. The MEDALLION OF POWER is a tricky mistress; one that, once used, goes to the other team. It’s basically the drunk girl at the college party in a room full of slobbering frat boys.  Team Youngster won the quickie challenge to find the MEDALLION OF POWER and had to decide whether to keep it or give it to the older team in a trade for flint and fishing equipment. They wisely chose the fishing tackle, knowing the importance of food and fire in those first crucial days.

It’s always been a funny thing in the past that CBS goes blur-crazy when it comes to things like butt cracks or a potential pube shot of the survivors, but this season is going really below the belt. Pretty quickly on, the younger tribe guys are all stripped down to their boxer briefs and I guess there was a little too much, ‘guess what religion I am?’ going on downstairs that sent the trigger-happy censor fingers into a tailspin. Every time we saw a young guy we were immediately drawn to his crotch and the giant blur that seemed stuck on him like a barnacle.

The first immunity challenge is yet again a series of fill this bucket, solve this series of puzzle pieces. After 21 seasons and hundreds of challenges I’m sure it gets difficult to think up more diverse or creative challenges but if I never have to see another puzzle on this show it’ll be too soon. That said, it is always interesting when a puzzle challenge is cause for total team disintegration after a commanding lead.  That wasn’t the case here, each team was pretty neck and neck for the most part but Team Youngster came out the winner. Team AARP had chosen not to use the MEDALLION OF POWER, which would have given them a big leg up in this challenge and probably secured their win.

In the worst, and fastest, case of foot in mouth disease possible, goat farmer Wendy darling sealed her fate with a bizarre and desperate plea for continuance in the game during tribal council going so far as to interrupt Jeff as he called for the vote to further dig her own grave, all with a chittering, chattering smile that was more than a little scary. Like, hide the machete while you sleep scary. Granted, her fate was sealed much earlier when she said her own husband predicted she’d be the first sent home, although it might have also been the fringe cowgirl shirt. And with that, she was gone, her torch snuffed out and sent into the night, wandering through a Nicaraguan cemetery, probably looking for a little goat friend.