SURVIVOR: NICARAGUA (21.2 – Fatigue Makes Cowards of Us All)

Previously on….Survivor.

Team AARP decides not to use the MEDALLION OF POWER at the immunity challenge and is defeated by Team High School. Swim coach Holly breaks her alliance with goat herder Wendy at tribal council after Wendy goes off the rails to defend her weirdness. Wendy’s torch is snuffed out.

Shannon and Fabio in meeting of the mind

Fresh off their immunity loss and tribal council, Team AARP is dealing with the mood-swing craziness of guilt-ridden Holly. Evidently she has never seen Survivor and thought she’d be able to last 39 days with her integrity in tact (“I wasn’t prepared for the mental aspect!”). With age apparently doesn’t come wisdom as she sees Jill eating freshly caught snails (their only protein at this point) and grabs the pot and throws it away. What? “You’re all stupid!” she says. Yes, eating for your life is always stupid. Then, she overhears Mafioso Dan talking smack about her and she thinks it’s a good time to prank him by filling his $1600 alligator shoes (ok, let’s sidebar over here for a second; who on Earth brings $1600 shoes to a show like Survivor? What did he think was going to happen to them? Totally reminded me of Casanova bringing his equally priced D&G pants to Project Runway only to have them torn to shreds in the first challenge. If I’m ever on Survivor remind me to not bring my Salvatore Ferragamo shoes. Ok, and we’re back) with sand and dropping them in the ocean. Sleeping with the fishes, get it? Sadly, I doubt Holly was that clever in her thought process. But, as foolish as that is she outdoes herself by coming clean to Dan and the rest of her tribe of her actions. “You’re lucky you’re not a man,” snaps Dan.

Oh, and the shoe commotion doesn’t stop there. Team High School also has a pedial drama when NaOnka finds someone has stolen her socks. This does not settle well with her and the head-bobbing, America’s Next Top Model tantrum begins. She decides to steal Fabio’s knee-highs and when he barely confronts her (he doesn’t even get the accusation out) she finds a way to turn it around on him. Fabio isn’t the only one in NaOnka’s sights; she thinks Kelly B., with her artificial leg, is a “charity case” and she can’t wait to see that leg “fall off in a race.” Ironic then, of course, when NaOnka, the P.E. teacher, sits out on a physical challenge while Kelly B. rips through the course, leg in tact.  None of that matters though as Team AARP uses the MEDALLION OF POWER to get a leg up (sorry, Kelly B.) and win the challenge. They choose fishing gear over a tarp and head back to camp.

At daycare, Sash confides in NaOnka that he wants to create and all-ethnic alliance that includes “Asian sensation” Brenda to go to the end. A rather dubious goal, I think. I mean, can you imagine the idea of a Caucasian caucus having a secret all-white alliance? Screams of racism would abound. But I digress. Shannon forms a group to take out Brenda that includes his bromance Chase. Chase is all concerned and scared because on freakin’ day one he made alliances with both Shannon and Brenda. What’s beau hunk to do? Well, he immediately runs to Brenda and spills the beans. He’s whipped without her even having to lift a flirty finger.

Back over at the retirement community (in which nearly all of the women look like LLL – late in life lesbians), during their search of fishing items they all discover the same clue to the hidden immunity idol that Kelly B. and some other chick found last week. Jimmy T., feeling all butt-hurt about Jimmy J. taking the leader/coach/type-A role in the tribe offers a piece of the clue. Jill discovers the location and runs to Marty with it. Um, why? Since when did the immunity idol become a team effort? Russell Handz must be shaking his head right now.  Marty and Jill find the idol and Marty simply cannot contain his Gollum-like enthusiasm (“I found the idol! I found the idol!”).

I can barely contain myself to talk about tribal so let’s just do it. After last week’s heap of tribal crazy, I didn’t think we’d be topping that any time soon. Thankfully, I was wrong. Now, the only way to do this right is to just show the actual transcript in all its glory. So, without further ado:

Shannon: "I'm going to get this out of the way right now: Are you gay?"


Sash: "Pfft." [long, dramatic pause] "I'm sure I've had a lot more beautiful girlfriends than you have, buddy."


Shannon: "You probably haven't, my brother. But good luck. Yeah, trust me, you haven't."


Sash: "I'm 100 percent. I'd like to see you try to work your magic in New York."


Shannon: "New York's full of a bunch of a gay people."


Probst: "New York is full of gay people?"


Shannon: "They've got a lot them, Jeff. More than they do in Louisiana.

Ok, so here’s the thing. From the moment I saw Sash – with that name, the gay face, the gay voice – I thought the same thing. He reads as a beacon of shimmering fierceness even as he talks about chicks on his tribe he’d like to bone and brag about how many girlfriends he’s had and, during his vote confessional, names himself the “biggest bachelor in New York.” But in my defense I play the gay card, allowing me to talk a bit of gay smack. This, of course, doesn’t excuse Shannon’s clearly misguided and viciously bigoted comments, the guy’s a complete tool and actually managed to out-crazy Wendy’s tribal council undoing last week. His tirade backfires like crazy and only he, Alina and poor Fabio (which even Jeff calls him) vote for Brenda and he is sent home. I can’t believe it’s only week two and we have two of the best tribal council’s in the show’s 21 seasons. With NaOnka still there I’m pretty sure we haven’t even seen the best yet. 

GLEE (2.1 - Audition)

Previously On……Glee.

New Directions lost Nationals, Rachel and Finn got back together, Quinn had her baby and gave it to Rachel’s birth mom and Sue Sylvester won an Emmy. And that’s what you missed on Glee. *glee sound*

What a difference a summer makes. Not succumbing to the sophomore slump (or senior, as the kids are now), the opening was a bold statement that both answered their critics in really funny way vis-a-vie Jacob Isreal’s blogterviews (“Mr. Shuester, they want you to stop rapping.”) to ultra defensive (Kurt’s shrieky diatribe about online forum bashing of the show, I mean, the Gleeks). Both still worked as Glee is a show that had a meteoric rise in its first season’s first half and then became as auto-piloted as the singing is auto-tuned in its second half.

A quick recap of everyone’s summer revealed that Finn and Rachel “have been doing it all summer,” Santana got a boob job (!), Brittany got lost in the sewers (?!), Puck got a vasectomy (?!!) and Mike Chang found his voice and lost his shirt, much to my happiness. 

Amongst all of the drama and recapping of existing McKinley High students we we’re given a quartet of new cast members to ponder. Let’s talk a bit about the glory and wonder that is Shannon Bieste (pronounced “Beast,” natch…”it’s French”) played by Dot-Marie Jones. At first we find out that Coach Tanaka had an emotional breakdown and has left his job. When we are introduced to Bieste I almost did a double take – was this actually Ken Tanaka in semi-lady drag? Alas not, but our loss of Tanaka is our gain in Bieste. She is a large, forceful and masculine woman; a complete lesbian gym teacher stereotype and also totally reminded of Martha Dunstock from Heathers, plus 20 years. She’s much more than her gruff exterior shows; she has a heart and feelings that are hurt easily, a fact that Sue attempts to exploit after her Cheerio budget is cut in favor of football.

New footballer Sam (Chord Overstreet, no really) has a secret urge to sing and, in a wonderful nod to last season’s premiere, he is secretly heard belting out Poison in the show, but this time by Finn. He wants to jump in and duet but like, “the guy is totally naked.” Once Finn convinces him to try out for the ND, Puck can’t help but comment on how freakin’ Jolie his lips are. “How many tennis balls can you fit in there? he says. Without missing a beat Sam replies, “I don’t know. I’ve never had balls in my mouth, have you?” Oh, if you only knew what we know is in store, Sam.

Miniscule star Charice appears as Sunshine Corazon, a Filipino student with a knockout voice who alerts Rachel’s bitch-stole-my-spotlight radar. After Rachel sends Sunshine on a wild goose chase to a crack house audition, we get to hear Charice’s pipes and damn, they good. Rachel has a right to be worried, she could easily steal her solos.  I really like that the show isn’t afraid to give us a lead that is so duplicitous and potentially evil in both her motives and actions. Rachel is a selfish, nasty little diva who will Margo any Eve that tries to get in her way. Sure, they soften her out by having the group (or just Finn) give her a proper dressing down, but it gives Lea Michele incredible material that she plays perfectly.

Cheyenne Jackson (le sigh) has a super quick cameo as Dustin Goolsby (these names…), Idina Menzel’s Vocal Adrenaline coach replacement. He’s a fierce bitch with a Hello Kitty backpack that says, “don’t fuck with me, fellas!” After Rachel’s vicious bitchery against Sunshine, Goolsby scoops up Sunshine for VA, a deadly blow to ND. Thanks, Rach!

I really wished they had worked the Finn-as-cheerleader angle more because it’s kind of a brilliant idea. Sure, he can’t dance to save his life but male cheerleaders and female football coaches are great counter balances. Maybe it’ll come to fruition in future episodes.

The musical numbers were all shockingly on point. Even after the rap-hating diatribe in the opening, the kids belt out “Empire State of Mind” in anticipation of this years’ nationals being in New York and do so successfully. I could have done without the Vanilla Ice outfits though. The duet/fight between Rachel and Sunshine on “Telephone” was stellar, with both ladies going toe to toe and note for note against each other. This is a great rivalry. Chord Overstreet’s “Billionaire” was good, if a bit John Mayer, but let us know that he’s a real crooner in this group. Sunshine’s solo, “Listen,” from Dreamgirls was…..awe-inspring. As the rest of the Glee club cheered and got more excited, Rachel squirmed more and more. Delicious. Never fear though, she got her own (closing the show, of course) with “What I Did For Love,” an attempt to correct her nasty behavior. While it may not totally have done that, it made sure we know why she’s the diva (sorry, Kurt).

Expectations and hopes are high for the new season of last year’s zietgiest show, and if they can keep up with the wit and satire of this first episode, we’re in for a real slushy of a treat. 

LONE STAR (1.1 – Pilot)

Is it possible to have two lives? Con man Bob/Robert Allen certainly tries to have his cake and eat it too, Texas-style. In Midland (the original title of the show) he works a short con on locals and lives a quiet existence of lawn-mowing and blue collar suburbia with girlfriend Lindsay (Eloise Mumford). In Houston he’s working the long con on oil magnate Clint Thatcher (a superb Jon Voight) by marrying his daughter Cat(Friday Night Lights' Adrianne Palicki) and jumping over Thatcher’s two sons for a position in the company. It’s an incredibly delicate dance, with carefully bundled cell phones and wallets to tell him where he’s at or where he’s going and always having a story for his whereabouts and motives.  

It’s also delicate balance for creator Kyle Killen (who’s only previous work was writing the Jodie Foster-directed, Mel Gibson-starring PR nightmare, The Beaver) to keep the seemingly selfish and entitled Allen from being too avarice in his desire to juggle these two women’s emotions and loyalty. What pulls it together is an absolute star-making turn by the incredibly charismatic and oft-shirtless newcomer James Wolk. The opening of the pilot is a quick-moving montage of Allen as he shuffles from Midland to Houston, Lindsay to Cat.  There is almost an Up in the Air feel to the rootlessness of this existence and Wolk even evokes a bit of Clooney-esque ease in his charm and undeniably likeable smile.

As Allen’s father John, David Keith is one bad dad.  A life lived on cons and robberies; it’s all he’s ever taught his son. He menacingly emphasizes that the con is the only thing that’s real and he the only person who really knows him. But really it’s the other way around; John is a man in the shadows, always ready to run and with no roots to ground him. It’s Allen that is his reality and without him he has nothing. This continues to a scene in a convenience store where Allen witnesses a loser dad taking advantage of his young son’s new counter job.  I’m a sucker for broken father/son relationships and this one is a doozy.

In Houston, the Thatcher brothers are of two minds; Trammell (Mark Deklin) is suspicious from the get-go while younger brother Drew (Bryce Johnson) is on board with Allen, even as Trammell reminds his brother of the dangers of trust as he invokes their deceased “Uncle Roy,” something that will pay off later down the road. When an old idea of Drew’s is given top status by Allen (with an ulterior motive, of course), it’s a subtly poignant scene as Drew laments he’s often taken off a task at the crucial moment of implementation.  Allen provides Drew with an almost fatherly affection here, and a sign of approval.

When suspicions arise in Midland over one of his land cons, John shows up urging Allen to get out of town. This is the crucial moment in Allen’s existence. He wants the legitimacy of the corporate job, to stop the cons and live a comfortably wealthy lifestyle. But he also still wants the charm and warmth and backyard barbeques of his other life. Allen’s hand is being forced to choose between his two lives at this point but like many a lifelong con man, he can’t choose. By the end, we see Allen in Vegas about to marry Lindsay, digging himself in deeper in an effort to create those roots and embedding himself into the con(s) deeper as well.  Yet he still remains an ultimate fantasy anti-hero. You admire and despise him, love him and hate him. But most of all, you want to see what he does next. 

TOP CHEF: JUST DESSERTS (1.1 - Mr. Chocolate)

As the cheftestants gather in an impromptu meet and greet, up pulls a double decker Top Chef: Just Desserts bus. It looks like a giant slice of red tiramisu. Once all of the chefs are aboard, next stop is picking up our host, Gail Simmons (from Top Chef) and self-diagnosed pastry “bad boy” Johnny Iuzzini.  I think he uses dark chocolate ganache to keep that pompadour up.

There is an interesting array of sweet and salty in this bunch, even more so than the original Top Chef. Gays are littered throughout, like a fine dusting of powdered sugar, as are an array of hot guys. Bravo certainly knows their demographic well.  Amongst them, Yigit (that name!), who’s 29 but looks 15. He’s apple-cheeked and adorable and I just want to put him in my pocket. Speaking of pocket gays, Zac is clearly this show’s sassy quipster with a handful of ready-to-eat bon mots (“I will cut you with my flavor!”) tossed out like candy condoms from a gay pride float. Malika is going through a divorce and wants to win for her three sons. She looks like the lovechild of Michele Obama and M.I.A. Seth, who admittedly looks like Showtime’s Dexter, was Top Chef season one winner Harold Dieterle’s pastry chef. He also has a confessed crush on Gail Simmons. He looks at her longingly but one wonders if he was to kiss her or dip her in chocolate and put her in the oven at 325 for 20 minutes.

There seems to be a concerted effort among the couple of straight guys in the competition (Seth and Morgan) to assert a manly side of pastry making and that’s it’s not just a bunch of buttercream frosting queens.  Let them eat hetero cake, I say.  Let’s just hope no one ends up making any genital-inspired concoctions this season. Although I fear that merely mentioning it will have me eyes deep in penis lollipops and edible areola garnishes. Blergh.

Onto the Quickfire Challenge! Gail, in all her niceties, tells the chefs they are to make their signature dish. Pretty straightforward and the usual fare for the first episode of Top Chef.  The chefs starting mixing and battering and baking like Keebler elves and then, record scratch, in walk Gail and Elvis…er, Johnny. It’s twist time and now they have to take the dish they’ve been working on and transform it into…..a cupcake. A collective groan waves across the kitchen. It shouldn’t be too much of a surprise though; cupcakes are THE rage right now. I’m not talking just old-fashioned yellow cake with some frosting either. These days they come with jalapenos, wheat berries and car parts. Not your grandma’s recipe, that’s for sure.

The successes go to Seth’s coconut cupcake with a basil buttercream and Heather’s carrot cupcake with a fried shoestring carrot garnish, both of which looked amazing. It’s a dangerous show, this Just Desserts, as I get closer and closer to licking my TV screen. Winding up on the bottom was Zac (I’m sure not a strange position for him) with a lemon curd cupcake topped with crazy glue disguised as marshmallow and Tim’s pistachio semifreddo that looked like an overflowing toilet.

The elimination challenge is next and Gail informs them they are to make the most luxurious chocolate dessert imaginable and they’ll be judged by Jacques Torres aka Mr. Chocolate. I have a feeling I’m going to be typing the world ‘chocolate’ in the coming weeks more than I ever thought I would be.  Right off the bat the chefs struggle (really? With chocolate?); poor Tania white chocolate mouse ends up looking like “pastry hummus” and Yigit’s ice cream looks like (and has the texture of) a rubber ball. Zac, desperate for redemption showers his deconstructed brownie with a blown kiss of edible glitter. EDIBLE. GLITTER. Not even Liberace riding in on a rainbow unicorn could have been gayer.  Seth concocts chocolate curry palette with shattered raspberries (that look like unappealing shards of bloody glass). Morgan’s chocolate flan separates like a latte and a deep friend chocolate fritter that might be more at home on Paula Deen’s cooking show.

Service is done and the chefs are locked away in their corral (apparently not full of booze like their Top Chef counterparts usually are by now) and Gail comes in for Zac, Seth and Heather. Morgan is confused as he is 100% sure his dessert was better than theirs so it can’t possibly mean they are the top 3. Snap, they are and even though Heather wins (this girl is a force and my early prediction to win, I’ll tell you), Zac, overcome with emotion for being in the top, cries glitter tears of happiness. Not so good news for Tania, Danielle and yep, Morgan.  At this point Morgan is fuming mad and his arrogance is almost as off-putting as his dessert. Danielle can’t seem to understand where she went wrong with her deconstructed tart (again with the deconstructed! Can anyone, I don’t know, construct?) but it’s Tania’s hummus blob that sends her home, with the catchphrase “Your dessert just didn’t measure up.” Meh, a letdown really.

I wonder, are they going to turn this into a CSI-like franchise? Can we expect Top Chef: Amuse Your Bouche or Top Chef: Salad Shooters! soon?

SURVIVOR 21: NICARAGUA (21.1 - Young at Heart)

Oh Jeff Probst, how I have missed you, you little trickster. When we first see the teams they are randomly divided as they make a quick trek through the jungle (“There’s no fences like at the zoo!” says Jud) to their beach destination. Jeff warmly greets them, with that Emmy-eating grin, asking how they’ve gelled as teammates. Oh yes, yes, they say. This is my team!, they say. Then just like that Jeff shatters their world and reveals that anyone over 40 is on one side and the under 30s on another. Gasps are heard, some of horror, some of relief. 

Youngster Jud (dubbed Fabio, and an idiot, by his own tribe) is clearly the Erik from Samoa of this season. Kelly B. revealed she has a false leg (from a childhood birth defect) and almost immediately team confessionals break out the ‘I know how this sounds, but if she makes it to the end…sympathy vote. I want her gone.’ Ouch. Oh, and Super Bowl winning coach Jimmy Johnson is on board, to the chagrin of much of his own tribe, Team AARP. He goes out of his way to emphasize that no jury will award him a million dollars and that he just wants to help his team. That may be true, or it may be a genius ploy (as Jimmy T. points out) that if he plays well enough to get himself into the final, that will be respected enough to win. It’s certainly happened before to many a disliked player.

Can we talk about the MEDALLION OF POWER for a second? Now, it’s important that it’s in all caps like because one has to imagine that it’s being echoed from a lofty mountaintop during an episode of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. The MEDALLION OF POWER is a tricky mistress; one that, once used, goes to the other team. It’s basically the drunk girl at the college party in a room full of slobbering frat boys.  Team Youngster won the quickie challenge to find the MEDALLION OF POWER and had to decide whether to keep it or give it to the older team in a trade for flint and fishing equipment. They wisely chose the fishing tackle, knowing the importance of food and fire in those first crucial days.

It’s always been a funny thing in the past that CBS goes blur-crazy when it comes to things like butt cracks or a potential pube shot of the survivors, but this season is going really below the belt. Pretty quickly on, the younger tribe guys are all stripped down to their boxer briefs and I guess there was a little too much, ‘guess what religion I am?’ going on downstairs that sent the trigger-happy censor fingers into a tailspin. Every time we saw a young guy we were immediately drawn to his crotch and the giant blur that seemed stuck on him like a barnacle.

The first immunity challenge is yet again a series of fill this bucket, solve this series of puzzle pieces. After 21 seasons and hundreds of challenges I’m sure it gets difficult to think up more diverse or creative challenges but if I never have to see another puzzle on this show it’ll be too soon. That said, it is always interesting when a puzzle challenge is cause for total team disintegration after a commanding lead.  That wasn’t the case here, each team was pretty neck and neck for the most part but Team Youngster came out the winner. Team AARP had chosen not to use the MEDALLION OF POWER, which would have given them a big leg up in this challenge and probably secured their win.

In the worst, and fastest, case of foot in mouth disease possible, goat farmer Wendy darling sealed her fate with a bizarre and desperate plea for continuance in the game during tribal council going so far as to interrupt Jeff as he called for the vote to further dig her own grave, all with a chittering, chattering smile that was more than a little scary. Like, hide the machete while you sleep scary. Granted, her fate was sealed much earlier when she said her own husband predicted she’d be the first sent home, although it might have also been the fringe cowgirl shirt. And with that, she was gone, her torch snuffed out and sent into the night, wandering through a Nicaraguan cemetery, probably looking for a little goat friend. 

HELLCATS (1.1 - A World Full of Strangers)

No. Just no to this. When Ashley Tisdale of High School Musical is the best thing about your show, you know you’ve got problems (but she is actually pretty good). Patched together, Frankenstein-style, a law student (Alyson Machalka) on a scholarship (Legally Blonde, check) makes fun of the cheerleading team (Bring It On, check). Not long after that, irony smacks her in the face and she loses her scholarship. As luck would have it, she finds out that you can get a full scholarship ride in cheerleading (insert irony title card here). It’s a good thing she was a gymnast for most of her life until high school (see Bring It On again) and does her cheerleader homework by watching….wait for it, Bring It On. This single viewing gives our peppy heroine enough cache to kill it in her audition. 

Now, one time when I was sick I watched Bring It On in bed eight times in a row - don’t judge - but that doesn’t mean I was able to do a front handspring step out, round-off backhandspring step-out, round-off back handspring, full-twisting layout once I got up. Nope. 

GOSSIP GIRL (4.1 – Belles de Jours)

Previously On…Gossip Girl

Little J sleeps her way into Nate’s bed. Georgina shows up preggers with Dan’s baby. Serena and Blair decide to ditch the city for Paris. Chuck is mugged and left for dead.

Serena and Blair’s summer in Paris is filled with couture and sancerre but Blair is dying for some romance. Her days of reading Colette in the park and hoping for a like mind haven’t panned out. Luckily for her, while j’adoring a Manet, a gorgeous Frenchman named Louie appears and tries to woo her to dinner. Overhearing a conversation dropping bon mots like, “the car is here” “Grimaldi” and “embassy,” Blair doesn’t waste a moment and jumps on her prince like a fat kid on the last piece of birthday cake. B convinces S to come with on said date. But ouch, Louie’s not actually the prince, he’s the driver. The real prince gets Serena. Score another for S.

What the hell, I liked Vanessa in this episode? Am I mental? After lines like “Geor-gina,” “Her hair lies!” “You can’t trust anything that comes out of her mouth…or anywhere else,” how could I not? Vanessa was the best part of Georgina’s crazy scheme to dump off her baby with Dan in between fielding calls in frenzied Russian about it “almost being done.”

Thank goodness the best thing about the Melrose Place reboot failure last year (Katie Cassidy) was saved and brought over to GG. As the show’s new resident crazy, with her wall of Nate, Blair and Serena tied together with yarn, Flashforward style, we should be able to rely on her for a weekly dose of wacko.

After months of wondering what Chuck’s fate is….we still sort of don’t? Apparently he’s in a foreign land being nursed by a blond chickie but with just flashes of memory. Renaming himself “Henry” after seeing a copy of Henry V on his bedside table, Chuck seems to be feeling like fresh start. But without all that Bass money, will a twin bed and some stale cookies be enough for him?